Release the Polar Bears of War!

Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war.

The Great Canadian Armada has been called into action. A time of great peril has arrived and threatened the security of our tremendous nation. 

The foul Greenlanders (pictured below) have laid claim to Hans Island, a bountiful land of opportunity lying north of everything. Hans Island (http://www.canadiangeographic.ca/hansisland/) is unquestionably the most important territory within the entire Canadian Empire, and we must defend it at all costs. 

You, reader, must do your part. 

We at INITFORTHEMONEY have at times been known to stray very far from our original purpose, but in times of national crisis, when the fate of the world hangs in the balance, we are willing to try to profit from it. To do this, we have created the INITFORTHEMONEY Foundation for the Defense of Canada (INITFORTHEMONEYFFTDOC). Please donate haphazardly. We encourage you to write to your local Member of Parliament. Remind them that we are at war with Greenland. They may have forgotten, if by some miracle they even knew at all. If you are not Canadian, please write to whoever you feel should know. Maybe your cousin or mom or something. If it's your mom, tell her I said hi ;)

This war has dragged on for sixteen long years, during which literally almost some lives were lost in not really combat, but maybe, I don't know, it's pretty damn cold up there. Maybe someone got frostbite, except probably not, since Hans Island is uninhabited. 

It is time for this madness to end. 

Now that our military has pulled out of Afghanistan, he should be gainfully employed elsewhere. Instead of defending other peoples' territory, it is time for us not only to claim Hans Island, but Greenland itself. No longer will the Greenies occupy our borders as an affront to the Canadian Empire. No longer will we settle for sharing the True North with these stupid green people. No longer will we allow their standing army of one polar bear and a scary statue to thumb their noses in our general direction. No longer will we wonder why polar bears have thumbs.

Let's all hop on our skidoos and ride north, to reclaim what is ours. In a traditional sense, but not really, because we've never owned Greenland. In fact, neither of us even knew it was a real place or know any facts at all about it. But we're at war. That's good enough for us. 

This coldest of wars is about to turn hot. Not very hot, because it's the arctic, but maybe almost a few degrees below freezing. To hot for their polar bears (citation needed, we don't know anything about polar bears either). 

You're going down, Greenies. All 57,000 of you. That's right, we're at war with Saint-Jerome, Quebec. Population-wise. 

Pictured: An artist's (Rob) conception of the typical Greenlander (Greeny)

                                

                            

Everything you Wanted to Know About Women

Long long ago, nearly back to when I got up this morning, Matthew came over. And after talking about many things like hello, and this is my house, we decided to compile our complete knowledge of women into a single blog post. We can do this because we are very succinct. Also, we don't know much.

This is it.

1. Rob was once engaged. To a women.

2. Matthew is dating a girl. We didn't make it up this time. She smells like peaches. Apparently.

3. We wear suits constantly. It helps.

4. Suits are uncomfortable in the shower.

5. But not Matthew's handmade shower suit.

6. What is a shower suit? Further research required

7. We are off-topic.

8. Below is a step-by-step example of a conversation one might have with a women.

           Scene 1 - A public place. Enter an attractive women. 

Rob: Hi. I am Famous Rob. Have you heard of me?

Women: No.

          Scene 2 - A public place. Enter another attractive women. 

Rob: Hi. I am Famous Rob. Have you heard of me?

Women: Yes

Rob: Would you like to a casual dinner atop the Empire State Building in New York City with violins and fresh fruit followed by the performance of a song I wrote for you by choir of orphans I saved from a volcano?

Women: OK

Rob: How about just dinner?

          Scene 45 - A public beach. Sand is between my toe tips.

Rob: I now pronounce us man and wife.

Rob's very attractive now-wife: Can you do that?

Rob: Since I finished this online course I can!

R.V.A.N.W: What an incredible man I just inadvertently married! We must have millions of babies!

9. This works every time.

10. Matthew's method employs tear gas.

11. I didn't make that up. Really.

12. It was barely on purpose! It was only that one time!

13. Whatever

14. 9 is a lie. 

So there you have it. This should make sure that women fall in love with you or a least avoid you in the supermarket. We have several of success stories. Literally several.

Life Coaching

CHANGE OF PLANS GUYS

Apparently we are no good at "business." For those of you who took our advice, we are both sorry and not legally culpable for whatever you did with that post. Our disclaimer is, or at least should have been, somewhat more clear about that. Also, if you took our advice and it somehow helped you, leave us a comment. It would be somewhat helpful, as we now owe the Irish mafia quite a bit of money.

Anyway, if there's one thing we can learn from this experience, it's that we are extremely qualified to be life coaches. And people should pay us up to $301,891.15 for our advice. Preferably within the next couple minutes. Oh god, they're here. Run.

Anyway.

Matthew: Hey Rob, how do we "be life coaches"?

Rob: Coach people on life?

So, if you feel that your life isn't exactly the way you want it to be, all the time, we can help. We can help you feel empowermental and fulfillified and stuff. We can help you become the self your real self always wanted to you to self-actualize. We can help your external reality mirror your internal perspicacity. What does perspicacity mean? Further research required. We can help you attract relationships with other empowermental people who are fulfillified and stuff.

Here is a free trial of what you may experience during a session of life coaching with one of our two extremely qualified professional life coaches:

1. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

2. Good Will Hunting was awesome.

3. Wasn't it though?

4. A dream is a wish your heart makes. Dreams are your #1 priority.

5. You need goals for some reason.

6. Make it your #1 priority to find out why goals are so important.

7. Create a support network. Like Spiderman. He'd be very supportive. So would your mom.

8. A support network is your #1 priority.

9. Your Mom is my #1 priority.

10. I'm so sorry Matthew said that.

11. Sorryness is your #1 priority.

12. Your Mom.

13. Dude we should be dating coaches. New post forthcoming.

14. WHAT??!?!??!!

To Business

It's been a while since we've done...anything...

So, we were having lunch at this classy Italian restaurant today (A&W) and discussing our lives. Famous Rob has become a street entertainer, which means he plays guitar in public until people making him stop by throwing money at his face. Matthew finished another year of school and cleverly decided to take summer courses as well, thus ruining summer.

Anyway, the result of this lunch was that we are going to become businessmen. This blog post is about how to be good at business, because we are now Captains of Industry. (!!!!!!)

Here is a list of business tips that we've learned/made up in our extensive 4.8 hours experience in being Captains of Industry. (!!!!!!!)

1. Re-name Matthew's car the Business-Mobile.

2. Wear suits and be awesome. (Thank you NPH)

3. $mell like $ucce$$*

4. Exce$$ive u$e of the dollar $ign.

5. Never use it again.

6. Eat lunch in complete silence, push away your tray, and say "Now, to business."

7. Raise your mug of frothy (root) beer and toast business.

8. Carry a briefcase everywhere. Fill your briefcase with funions.

9. What is a funion, anyway? Further research required.

10. Use "further research required" in place of concepts like "actual knowledge"

11. Read Dilbert comics to increase your business knowledge.

12. Is the real business world anything like Dilbert? Further research required.

13. We stopped here for a while and looked around the room for ideas. Gosh, we're handsome. Good thing Famous Rob has a full-length mirror.

14. And cheetos.

15. Dress, act, and think like the Monopoly guy.

16. Buy Boardwalk in REAL LIFE!

17. Pro tip: real life business is basically Dilbert plus Monopoly.

18. And probably The Apprentice, but neither of us has ever watched that show.

19. But I have.

20. Me too, I loved it.

So there you have it. Everything you need to get your fat butt off the couch, peel aging cheetos from your hair, and go be a Captain of Industry (!!!!!!!). Some of that may have been specifically about Famous Rob.

*$ucce$$ smells like a classy Italian restaurant.

Twitter

Famous Rob made a twitter account, so I'm going to put the link here, because he's doing the actual work and this is literally the absolute least I can do:

http://twitter.com/the_fetus

Breaking News!

Here I am sitting in front of my computer at one AM, wearing 3-D glasses for reasons too complex to explain, and typing down words which will change your life forever.

For instance:

-Haggis might not be Scottish in origin at all. Turns out it may have come from the Greeks. Obviously the Greeks figured out it was disgusting and thought, "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if we convinced some of those barbarians this was GOOD? That would be awesome!" Then they high-fived and raised a toast to Icarus, the god of the swan dive.

- I just found out I graduated with Pocahontas.

- Hong Kong has an embargo against the Phillippines... nothing funny to say but I bet you didn't know that. I bet the Phillippines didn't know that either.

That's all I got for now. It would be fun if y'all would give us ideas. Post a comment of something you think we should write about. Something awesome. Or else I may be forced to explain the history of cheese.

You've been warned.

Tommy Battles the Forces of Darkness (Fingers crossed)

(The following is a transcript of an actual conversation that took place between Famous Rob, Matthew, and Tommy. Names have not been changed in order to protect our false identities.)

ROB: Hey Matthew, I have this great idea!

MATTHEW: What?

ROB: Let's turn Tommy into a superhero.

MATTHEW: You mean in real life?

ROB: Well no, I meant on the blog, but real life sounds better.

MATTHEW: Let's do it!

TOMMY: Um, what if I don't want to be a superhero?

MATTHEW: Shut up Tommy, this isn't about you.

ROB: Ok, so the first thing he needs is a superpower.

MATTHEW: Right. Tommy what kind of superpowers do you have?

TOMMY: Fine, I'll have...lightning hands.

MATTHEW: As in hands made of lightning or hands that shoot lightning?

TOMMY: Shoot lightning.

ROB: Or you could be a rich ninja.

TOMMY: No.

ROB: So now we have to decide which one of us is going to be the wise mentor and which one of us is going to be the friend that trains alongside Tommy but eventually becomes the nemesis.

MATTHEW: I'll be the mentor.

ROB: The mentor always dies.

MATTHEW: I'll be the friend.

TOMMY: Okay.

MATTHEW: But eventually we'll have to fight to the death.

TOMMY: Yeah I got that.

ROB: Allright, first things first. I need you to do three things to begin your superhero training.

MATTHEW: You should call them steps.

ROB: What?

MATTHEW: Like with stairs. When you get to the top, you're a superhero.

ROB: That's stupid.

MATTHEW: You're stupid.

ROB: Fine. Steps.

TOMMY: Guys...

MATTHEW: Not about you, Tommy.

ROB: You want to get slapped?

TOMMY: No?

ROB: Okay. Step one. Training montage.

TOMMY: Like a film montage?

MATTHEW: (Slaps Tommy)

ROB: No. A real montage.

TOMMY: But we'll film it, right?

ROB: You're not listening, Tommy. A real montage.

TOMMY: Okay. What do I train for?

MATTHEW: Superhero stuff. Running, punching, jumping. Wearing tighter clothing.

ROB: Which brings us to step two. Wearing tighter clothing.

MATTHEW: To be clear, you're not going to be buying any new clothing. The clothing you already own will become tighter due to the enormous muscles you will amass during the training montage.

TOMMY: And how do I do that?

MATTHEW: If I've learned anything from movies, it's that you only need five minutes to become good at anything.

ROB: And a good theme song.

MATTHEW: Like Eye of the Tiger.

ROB: Or the theme from Rocky.

MATTHEW: (Slaps Rob)

ROB: And that brings us to step number three. Emotional angst.

TOMMY: Wait. What was step two again?

MATTHEW: Training.

ROB: Montage. And no. Tighter clothing.

MATTHEW: Right.

TOMMY: ...why?

MATTHEW: Remember what we said about questions, Tommy.

TOMMY: Don't ask them?

ROB and MATTHEW: (Both slap Tommy)

MATTHEW: Step three: emotional angst. This is what sets real superheroes apart from the guys at comic-con. It shouldn't, though. They're pathetic.

ROB: But there are chicks at comic-con!

MATTHEW: Like who?

ROB: Felicia Day. And that Terminator chick.

MATTHEW: You don't have a chance with Terminator Chick!

ROB: There's always a chance.

MATTHEW: I always thought she looked a lot like Firefly Chick.

ROB: Maybe they're sisters.

MATTHEW: That gives me a great idea.

ROB: What?

MATTHEW: Never mind.

ROB: Not another double blind date.

MATTHEW: We promised never to speak of that again.

TOMMY: Wait. What's angst?

ROB: What?

TOMMY: I need emotional angst.

ROB: Why?

TOMMY: Because I'm supposed to be a superhero?

ROB: Right! Okay! Mentor. Okay. Do you have any dead relatives?

TOMMY: Probably.

ROB: Does that make you sad?

TOMMY: I don't know?

MATTHEW: It should, you sociopathic bastard.

ROB: Matthew! Language!

MATTHEW: Sorry.

ROB: Unfeeling bastard. We never call someone a sociopath. What about dead pets?

TOMMY: I think we had a dog when I was little.

ROB: Does that make you sad?

TOMMY: No?

ROB: Did it die saving your life from a supervillain?

TOMMY: I think it choked to death on a toy.

MATTHEW: And that makes you sad.

TOMMY: It was a long time ago.

MATTHEW: But the angst is still there. Access your angst, Tommy.

TOMMY: Okay.

ROB: No! You have to really feel it! Deep in your bones! Weep for poor Sparky!

TOMMY: His name was Charles.

ROB: It was Sparky! And he was the best friend I ever had! Why did you leave me so young!?

MATTHEW: Are we still talking about Tommy's dog?

ROB: Yeah. Tommy's dog. Right. Damn angst...no! I was making an example. See? That's angst!

MATTHEW: Sure it was. You girl.

ROB: That was example angst!

TOMMY: So angst is sad.

ROB: No, weren't you listening?

TOMMY: I was wishing I were someplace else actually.

MATTHEW: Why aren't you hanging on our every word? You should be.

TOMMY: Sorry.

ROB: Angst is about raw passion. It's rough, sandpapered soul leaking out through your pores.

MATTHEW: Ew.

ROB: It's like listening to an entire playlist of Radiohead while thinking about that girl you like.

TOMMY: Radiohead?

ROB: It's about feeling Tommy. Feeling!

MATTHEW: Man, it's good thing I'm not the mentor. I'm not a pansy.

TOMMY: Pansy?