ROB: Hey Matthew, I have this great idea!
MATTHEW: What?
ROB: Let's turn Tommy into a superhero.
MATTHEW: You mean in real life?
ROB: Well no, I meant on the blog, but real life sounds better.
MATTHEW: Let's do it!
TOMMY: Um, what if I don't want to be a superhero?
MATTHEW: Shut up Tommy, this isn't about you.
ROB: Ok, so the first thing he needs is a superpower.
MATTHEW: Right. Tommy what kind of superpowers do you have?
TOMMY: Fine, I'll have...lightning hands.
MATTHEW: As in hands made of lightning or hands that shoot lightning?
TOMMY: Shoot lightning.
ROB: Or you could be a rich ninja.
TOMMY: No.
ROB: So now we have to decide which one of us is going to be the wise mentor and which one of us is going to be the friend that trains alongside Tommy but eventually becomes the nemesis.
MATTHEW: I'll be the mentor.
ROB: The mentor always dies.
MATTHEW: I'll be the friend.
TOMMY: Okay.
MATTHEW: But eventually we'll have to fight to the death.
TOMMY: Yeah I got that.
ROB: Allright, first things first. I need you to do three things to begin your superhero training.
MATTHEW: You should call them steps.
ROB: What?
MATTHEW: Like with stairs. When you get to the top, you're a superhero.
ROB: That's stupid.
MATTHEW: You're stupid.
ROB: Fine. Steps.
TOMMY: Guys...
MATTHEW: Not about you, Tommy.
ROB: You want to get slapped?
TOMMY: No?
ROB: Okay. Step one. Training montage.
TOMMY: Like a film montage?
MATTHEW: (Slaps Tommy)
ROB: No. A real montage.
TOMMY: But we'll film it, right?
ROB: You're not listening, Tommy. A real montage.
TOMMY: Okay. What do I train for?
MATTHEW: Superhero stuff. Running, punching, jumping. Wearing tighter clothing.
ROB: Which brings us to step two. Wearing tighter clothing.
MATTHEW: To be clear, you're not going to be buying any new clothing. The clothing you already own will become tighter due to the enormous muscles you will amass during the training montage.
TOMMY: And how do I do that?
MATTHEW: If I've learned anything from movies, it's that you only need five minutes to become good at anything.
ROB: And a good theme song.
MATTHEW: Like Eye of the Tiger.
ROB: Or the theme from Rocky.
MATTHEW: (Slaps Rob)
ROB: And that brings us to step number three. Emotional angst.
TOMMY: Wait. What was step two again?
MATTHEW: Training.
ROB: Montage. And no. Tighter clothing.
MATTHEW: Right.
TOMMY: ...why?
MATTHEW: Remember what we said about questions, Tommy.
TOMMY: Don't ask them?
ROB and MATTHEW: (Both slap Tommy)
MATTHEW: Step three: emotional angst. This is what sets real superheroes apart from the guys at comic-con. It shouldn't, though. They're pathetic.
ROB: But there are chicks at comic-con!
MATTHEW: Like who?
ROB: Felicia Day. And that Terminator chick.
MATTHEW: You don't have a chance with Terminator Chick!
ROB: There's always a chance.
MATTHEW: I always thought she looked a lot like Firefly Chick.
ROB: Maybe they're sisters.
MATTHEW: That gives me a great idea.
ROB: What?
MATTHEW: Never mind.
ROB: Not another double blind date.
MATTHEW: We promised never to speak of that again.
TOMMY: Wait. What's angst?
ROB: What?
TOMMY: I need emotional angst.
ROB: Why?
TOMMY: Because I'm supposed to be a superhero?
ROB: Right! Okay! Mentor. Okay. Do you have any dead relatives?
TOMMY: Probably.
ROB: Does that make you sad?
TOMMY: I don't know?
MATTHEW: It should, you sociopathic bastard.
ROB: Matthew! Language!
MATTHEW: Sorry.
ROB: Unfeeling bastard. We never call someone a sociopath. What about dead pets?
TOMMY: I think we had a dog when I was little.
ROB: Does that make you sad?
TOMMY: No?
ROB: Did it die saving your life from a supervillain?
TOMMY: I think it choked to death on a toy.
MATTHEW: And that makes you sad.
TOMMY: It was a long time ago.
MATTHEW: But the angst is still there. Access your angst, Tommy.
TOMMY: Okay.
ROB: No! You have to really feel it! Deep in your bones! Weep for poor Sparky!
TOMMY: His name was Charles.
ROB: It was Sparky! And he was the best friend I ever had! Why did you leave me so young!?
MATTHEW: Are we still talking about Tommy's dog?
ROB: Yeah. Tommy's dog. Right. Damn angst...no! I was making an example. See? That's angst!
MATTHEW: Sure it was. You girl.
ROB: That was example angst!
TOMMY: So angst is sad.
ROB: No, weren't you listening?
TOMMY: I was wishing I were someplace else actually.
MATTHEW: Why aren't you hanging on our every word? You should be.
TOMMY: Sorry.
ROB: Angst is about raw passion. It's rough, sandpapered soul leaking out through your pores.
MATTHEW: Ew.
ROB: It's like listening to an entire playlist of Radiohead while thinking about that girl you like.
TOMMY: Radiohead?
ROB: It's about feeling Tommy. Feeling!
MATTHEW: Man, it's good thing I'm not the mentor. I'm not a pansy.
TOMMY: Pansy?
