Tommy

I was talking to Tommy yesterday, and he asked why I hadn't updated the blog in a while. I was surprised to learn that I have a blog; upon a moment's reflection I remembered INITFORTHEMONEY. Tommy has the blog in his RSS feed and checks it weekly. Tommy is our most dedicated, and probably only, fan. This post is dedicated to Tommy.

I told Tommy that I would write a post about him, so here are some guesses I've made about Tommy and his life:

Name: Tommy
Age: 20something
Birthplace: I have no idea. France. He's French. Tommy was born in Paris.
Car: Tommy does own a car, or at least has access to one. Tommy is a dangerous driver. Do not ride in a car with Tommy.
Education: I know he went to high school at some point. Maybe he did some stuff after that. I think he can program computers, so that's probably evidence that he went to college.
Career: He is a construction worker and his job apparently requires him to drive past my house every day. Tommy told me that "I always wonder, is he home? is that his car? should I say hi? I'm covered in mud, but I should say hi!" Tommy has yet to say hi.
Siblings: Tommy occasionally mentions his brother, who is dangerously tall. Like 6'7 or something. He might have a sister, or I might be imagining that part.
Dog: Tommy used to have a dog. He might still have a dog. We all pretty much agreed that dog was Tommy in dog form.
Social Skills: Tommy told me I am dangerous and intimidating. Obviously, Tommy has never met me.

Tommy Stats:
Height: About 6'1?
Weight: 120 lbs
Driving Skills: 3/10
Self-Defense: 7/10
Awkwardness: 8/10
Humour: 10/10
Classiness: 8.5/10
Enthusiasm: 100/10
Awesomeness Coefficient: 2.51

The Awesomeness Coefficient is a long story. 2.51 is very high. Tommy should be proud.

This concludes part one in our four thousand part series entitled Tommy.

DISCLAIMER: In case Tommy gets taken to court or something, this post is meant to be humorous. Tommy is not actually a dangerous driver. Also he has just informed me that he is from Joilette, Quebec, not Paris.

Rob's List on Which he Worked Really,Really Hard for at Least an Hour after Realizing That the Blog Wouldn't go Anywhere Unless He Added to it.

I received this list thingy on Facebook the other day. Something about 25 things about yourself that people don't know. I thought to myself "Everybody wants to know!" And everything on this list will be true. With creative language of course.

1. I was born in the mythical city of Saskatoon, Saskactawan.

2. For the longest time I believed Jesus died young due to Christmas and Easter being so close together.

3. I spent my youth in arctic, tropical, and temperate zones, and at one point I lived in them all within a year.

4. I've been to Mexico three times, twice on purpose.

5. I've slept through the wee hours in Central Park. The real one.

6. I've laughed in the face of Danger. Literally.

7. I learned through experience that running through restricted areas of the Federal Reserve with a video camera is bad.

8. I secretly enjoy interpretative dance

9. I flew over a volcano, later it exploded. (Due to my awesomeness most likely.)

10. My favorite fish are tacos.

11. Heads of state have personally thanked me for things I've done. (I can't get into any details..)

12. I believe motion sickness to be contagious.

13. I'll eat cheese on almost anything. (I throw almost in there knowing that if I don't somebody will call me on it. "Try cheese and...yak brains!"

14. Black is not actually a color. This isn't about me but it's gotta be said.

15. I have an extremely evil laugh.

16. My two favorite drinks are chocolate milk, and grapefruit juice. Not together though.

17. I once played Frisbee with a tornado. On the way.

18. I once had a rabbit that enjoyed the taste of live deer.

18. I once sang an entire song on the subject of popsicles.

19. If you get kissed by That Girl You Like and you tell The Guys because you're 13 and you think it's awesome but it wasn't That Girl You Like that kissed you at all, it was Her Twin Sister whom it is impossible to tell apart and The Guys question That Girl You Like to see if it is true and it's not and so That Girl You Like is mad at you for telling The Guys she kissed you and Her Twin Sister is mad at you for liking her sister instead of her and The Guys are laughing at you until spittle flies from their faces like cherry-bombed toilets and this is was is known as a Really Bad Day When Being Buried Alive Doesn't Sound So Horrible.

20. I'm allergic to cats. But I like them.

21. Lighting has struck in my general vicinity at least seven times that I know of. I'm beginning to think Zeus hates me and is just a really bad shot.

22. While walking through the park one summer's night I was beset by a gang of dogs running wild. I drove them off but not before they hit me in the face and forced me to swallow my own teeth.

23. I once read 'War and Peace'. Yes, the whole thing.

24. Once when I was a kid I daydreamed that I was the king of a country in medieval times and ruled Europe. Then I gave them a very fantasy-sounding name, I called them the Avars. Later on I found the Avars really existed which proves conclusively that one day I will build a time machine, go back in time, and rule the world.

25. One of these facts are a lie. Yes, I know at the top I said they were all true but it's really hard to think of things. I mean I could write things like "I enjoy peas" but, come on, who would believe that.

So there it is. Mad props to the first person who can pick out the lie. It is, of course, clearly concealed in a cloak of cleverness. Also I have many people to thank for this list being awesome. I hope to see you all again someday. You owe my therapist money.

Bringing my 'A' Game:

Not too long ago I received an invitation from Matthew to come to a birthday party for a mutual friend of ours. At first I thought he was just being a good friend but then I discovered he had other motives. He told me I should dress for success and bring my 'A' Game. Overwhelming cliches aside, I queried on why he would even bring this up as I am always incredibly good-looking and disarmingly debonair. He mentioned that he had had in mind someone he wanted me to meet, to charm, get married to, and have children with so he could be a godfather, by the following day.

Aside from the obvious question of what kind of girl has reproductive cycle of a housefly and am I that open minded, I wondered what could motivate Matthew to perform such a selfless act to be a 'wingman.' In the end it came down to two three logical answers, 1) He really wants godchildren so that he can become the head of a Mafia family 2) He wanted to see my legendary 'A' game at work, or 3) Matthew is a ninja. And the reasons of a ninja can never be perceived.

In the end, due to his lack of involvement in secretive martial art disciplines and organized crime I had to go with B. And I started thinking about my 'A' game and what it consisted, and how last time I used it I was engaged inside of a week. Then I started thinking about the phrase 'A' game, and out of that was born this post the definitions of all games: A through F.

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A- Your most glorious. It's James Bond, Rhett Butler, and a knight in shining armor all rolled into one. Of course, the 'A' game is more for sprints than for long distance but a good one at the right time should help you win over the heart of your choice. This is different from the hook-up in that the she doesn't have to be drunk and it's not about the one night score. It's all about the romance baby. Last time I bought my 'A' game I was subject to a result previously mentioned.

B- This one is still charming but easier to keep up. It won't get the ladies to fall in love with you but might make them sit up and take notice. Some examples include Zach Braff, that guy from Happy Days, and the French.

C- This is your 'run of the mill' nice guy. Well liked and well thought of, but not in any romantic way. The 'C' game is perfect for fostering plenty of platonic friendships. Just don't expect to win any hearts this way.

D- That loud, obnoxious guy at the party. The one that makes it quite obvious that he will make a move on anything that has breasts and he's not that picky. This guy means well, but just has poor social skills, occasionally bad hygiene, and every single story he tells starts with "I got so wasted this one time..."

F- If you rank this low you are the Gortex of human attaction. Women will find you repulsive, men will find you disreputable, and the monkey at the zoo will fling its feces at your head. At this point you barely rank higher than zombies, malaria infected mosquitoes, and whatever's in that Tupperware at the back of my fridge.

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In the end I didn't bring my 'A' game. I believe my 'A' game is a dangerous tool and must only be used with proper eye protection. However, I did bring a high 'B' game, a 'B+' if you will, put a good foot forward, New Girl, or NG, was very interesting and I enjoyed talking to her. We'll keep you informed over how this goes, or if anything happens. Whatever it is, it will be dramatic, and awesome. And dramatically awesome. Next week I will bring my 'A' game. And I will tell you how it goes. Unless Matthew is a ninja. Then I'm dead.

Genesis 1

In the beginning, Rob and Matthew created a blog. This is the story of how it happened.

In the year two thousand and ten, it came to pass that Rob was a lighting tech at a play. And he did invite his friend Matthew unto said play, and Matthew enjoyed it very much. After the play, the two engaged in much exchange of humour, and all did laugh merrily, including Tommy, who came to the play but isn’t really part of this story.

And Rob spake unto Matthew, and he was all like, “Dude, we should totally make a blog.” And Matthew did agree that this was an awesome idea, because they both needed a place to focus their creative energies. For Matthew had been to Rob’s apartment not two weeks earlier, and there he had seen that Rob’s lunch consisted of peanut butter eaten directly out of the jar. And Matthew cried out in great consternation, saying “Rob, you need a girlfriend.” And Rob did agree with him.

Nor was Matthew totally innocent either, for he had so much free time that he and his crazy friend Josh were contemplating a device which would allow Matthew’s bike to float in the very ocean itself, called the bike-boat. And while Matthew believed that the bike-boat was a cool name, he admitted that it was a pretty stupid idea which would probably get them both killed.

So it came to pass that Matthew created a blog, and he did name it matthewandfamousrob.blogspot.com. And he saw that it was good. And then Rob created a blogger account, and he did put all manner of ridiculous things in his profile, including that he came from Montserrat, which is probably not even a real place. And he saw that it was good.

And then they did create extensive blog posts detailing their quest to save indigo tigers from extinction, and they saw that they were both extremely clever and funny, and they did high-five until their palms ached. And they created a backstory so bizarre that neither of them could think upon it while maintaining a straight face, and they saw that it was really cool.

Matthew looked upon all they had created with great satisfaction, even though he had wanted to form a band instead. And Rob spake unto him, saying “We can make a band anyway.” And Matthew was satisfied by this, and decided to become a bassist, even though he lacked any kind of musical talent. And Rob did discuss the possibility of naming the band In It For the Money as well, thereby becoming sellouts from the very beginning and offending all the hipsters. And while Matthew did delight in the idea of offending hipsters, he had wanted to created a band consisting entirely of bassists and name it Large Mouth Bass, or Back to Bassics, or something equally cool, because bassists are cool. And Rob did mock him extensively for his terrible puns.

So it was that Matthew and Rob had a blog, and stood to make lots of money from it. And Matthew and Rob uttered cries of delight at the success which would surely come their way. And then Rob presumably dined upon peanut butter, and probably suffered indigestion from it.

Matthew Cogently Explains Our Purpose

As Rob brilliantly stated in the previous post, we aren’t sellouts. We are merely agents of the noble cause INITFORTHEMONEY: I Need Indigo Tigers From Outer Rhodesia to Help Eat Most of Neil’s Enlightened Yaks.

The plight of the endangered indigo tiger (Panthera tigris indigo) is so well known that I obviously don’t need to elaborate on it here, but suffice to say that Neil’s surplus of enlightened yaks provides an elegant solution to a problem which clearly merits our attention.

Thanks, Neil.

The purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of the plight of these majestic, blue-violet carnivores. We will do this by pretty much just writing any brilliant ideas we have on here, in the hopes that our ideas are awesome enough to attract an audience, and that the audience we attract will be sympathetic to the plight of the indigo tigers.

That’s pretty much it.

We’re not perfect. Rob, especially, is not perfect. But we’re good people, doing literally the very least we can for a cause we care passionately about. And if this blog does succeed in achieving not only its explicit goal of saving the indigo tigers but also its totally coincidental goal of making us very, very rich, then so be it.

And if it does make us rich, we’re not going to fight it. We need the money, mostly to fund the salvation of these splendid predators, but also to cover grocery money, rent cheques, rising gas prices, organic fruit, helicopter rides, hot tubs full of hundred-dollar bills, Rob’s cocaine habit, multiple mansions on tropical islands, and my lifelong dream of making Jurassic Park a reality.

It’s reasonable, at this stage, to ask what our qualifications are. Why are we, and not some actual biologists, doing the dirty work and raising public awareness of the plight of the endangered indigo tigers? The answer, like most things in life, is pretty simple:

Unlike actual biologists, we don’t have jobs or careers that would interfere with our quest to save this species. This allows us to devote lots of time to the blog. In fact, when we’re not eating, sleeping, showering, playing sports, hanging out with friends, attending indie rock concerts, rock climbing, or spending the vast quantities of money we will doubtlessly earn as a result of this blog, we’ll be writing on here, adding new material for you to enjoy as you contemplate indigo tigers.

It’s literally the very least we could do.

Why We Aren't Sellouts: The Backstory

Well here we are at the first post of this new blog and you are probably saying "This is terrible. These guys are just in it for the money. It would serve them right if they were torn apart by 47 frothing marmots."

Let me explain.

'In It For the Money" doesn't actually mean that we're 'in it for the money.' It's an acronym for a cause we feel very strongly about. One that has changed our lives, our focus, and our personal hygiene habits. It stands for "I Need Indigo Tigers from Outer Rhodesia to Help eat most of Neil's Enlightened Yaks"

I believe very strongly in this cause. Enough to put the full force of my influence behind. Indigo tigers need a voice in this world. And damnit, if I can be anything I hope it's a friend to these poor tigers.

When we heard about the plight of these starving tigers we began to think of ways we could help them. Of course we all the usual methods of helping, eg. passing out brochures, door to door moonwalking, motorcycular throwjumping. But nothing seemed to help. That's when we met Neil with his overstocked fields of contemplative Asian bovine. And that was when "In It For the Money" was born.

Now we spend all of our awaking wakefulness getting the word out, raising awareness and money to bring all the tigers to Neil's yak paddies. And this may be a long uphill battle but a rolling stone gathers no moss and it's easier to hit a bird with two stones. The tigers are counting on us.

If this works, if we are successful in our cause, then I see no reason why we could not raise more money for other causes like "Help Amanda help all innocent maimed rabbits in crisis hop" (Ha Ha I'm Rich) and "Jungles under my protection in new trouble! Often Pirates invade like evil sounding operas, frighten children and seize Hondas!" (Jump Into Piles of Cash) We will be there for as many of these causes as we can because we are selfless, salt of the earth, real people who will do whatever it takes to make this work.

That is if we can avoid the marmots.