Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war.
The Great Canadian Armada has been called into action. A time of great peril has arrived and threatened the security of our tremendous nation.
The foul Greenlanders (pictured below) have laid claim to Hans Island, a bountiful land of opportunity lying north of everything. Hans Island (http://www.canadiangeographic.ca/hansisland/) is unquestionably the most important territory within the entire Canadian Empire, and we must defend it at all costs.
You, reader, must do your part.
We at INITFORTHEMONEY have at times been known to stray very far from our original purpose, but in times of national crisis, when the fate of the world hangs in the balance, we are willing to try to profit from it. To do this, we have created the INITFORTHEMONEY Foundation for the Defense of Canada (INITFORTHEMONEYFFTDOC). Please donate haphazardly. We encourage you to write to your local Member of Parliament. Remind them that we are at war with Greenland. They may have forgotten, if by some miracle they even knew at all. If you are not Canadian, please write to whoever you feel should know. Maybe your cousin or mom or something. If it's your mom, tell her I said hi ;)
This war has dragged on for sixteen long years, during which literally almost some lives were lost in not really combat, but maybe, I don't know, it's pretty damn cold up there. Maybe someone got frostbite, except probably not, since Hans Island is uninhabited.
It is time for this madness to end.
Now that our military has pulled out of Afghanistan, he should be gainfully employed elsewhere. Instead of defending other peoples' territory, it is time for us not only to claim Hans Island, but Greenland itself. No longer will the Greenies occupy our borders as an affront to the Canadian Empire. No longer will we settle for sharing the True North with these stupid green people. No longer will we allow their standing army of one polar bear and a scary statue to thumb their noses in our general direction. No longer will we wonder why polar bears have thumbs.
Let's all hop on our skidoos and ride north, to reclaim what is ours. In a traditional sense, but not really, because we've never owned Greenland. In fact, neither of us even knew it was a real place or know any facts at all about it. But we're at war. That's good enough for us.
This coldest of wars is about to turn hot. Not very hot, because it's the arctic, but maybe almost a few degrees below freezing. To hot for their polar bears (citation needed, we don't know anything about polar bears either).
You're going down, Greenies. All 57,000 of you. That's right, we're at war with Saint-Jerome, Quebec. Population-wise.
Pictured: An artist's (Rob) conception of the typical Greenlander (Greeny)
